WELL HERE IS A GOOD ONE FOR YA!!!! HERE I AM GOING DOWN THIS ROLLERCOASTER OF A LIFE, WITH A MAN THAT I TRULY LOVE, HE IS ONLY MARRIED WHEN HE WANTS TO BE IN THE LAST FEW YEARS. WELL IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE HE TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME THAT I JUST DON'T SAY IT ANYMORE EITHER. LAST WEEKEND WAS A GOOD WEEKEND (HE ONLY COMES HOME ON THE WEEKENDS CAUSE HE WORKS OUT OF STATE) WE GOT ALONG GOOD, NO FIGHTING, NO ARGUING, IT WAS JUST NICE!!!! HE ALWAYS CALLS ME WHEN HE GETS TO HIS 'HOME AWAY FROM HOME' TO LET ME KNOW THAT HE   MADE IT. IT IS LIKE ABOUT 3 1/2 HOURS AWAY. ANYWAY HE TOLD ME THAT HE MADE IT, WE HAD SOME SMALL TALK AND THEN HE SAID HE HAD TO GO CAUSE IT WAS LATE AND HE NEEDS TO GET UP EARLY TO GO TO WORK (AS USUAL, THIS IS THE NORM) WHEN HE WAS GETTING READY TO HANG UP HE SAID '"ok gotta go i'll talk to you tomorrow", LOVE YA, bye......I REPLIED THAT I LOVED HIM TO AND WHEN WE HUNG UP MY HEART WAS BEATING SO FAST I COULD HARDLY STAND IT AND I JUST GOT THIS WAVE OVER ME OF COMFORT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT. IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE HEARD HIM SAY THAT. BUT I THINK IT WAS JUST A SLIP. HE WAS MAYBE HAPPY ABOUT HOW GOOD THE WEEKEND WENT AND HE WAS FEELING IT IN HIS HEART AND BAM!!!!!!!HE SAID IT.

  I DON'T WANT TO WORK MYSELF UP ABOUT THIS CAUSE I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND I HIM BUT WE ARE NOT "IN LOVE" SO I GUESS I WILL CHALK IT UP  TO  FRIENDSHIP????????????????????HE CALLS ME EVERYDAY AND HE IS BACK TO BYE.....NO LOVE YA, IN SIGHT......THIS JUST CONFUSES ME, AS I SIT HERE IN MY CHRONIC PAIN AND MISERY AND LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND. I WILL TRY TO LET IT GO....

WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!  I WILL NEED IT. I AM 45 YEARS OLD AND WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 24 YEARS ON THE 11TH OF THIS MONTH. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS ANNIVERSARY GOES.

THANKS FOR LISTENING

LOVE ANGEL

Does he think i am stupid??? well it's been a few months now since he started   sleeping in the spare br. we 'i guess' are separated and that is okay with me. But he is now seeing some girl that he used to go out with when they were in high school. It was a bad break up, i guess, something like her dad told her it was either him or the family. You know sometimes it's hard to know how much of what he told me is true or just the way he saw it. Anyway he is on the computer a few weeks ago and he asked me to help him download and print this picture that a friend emailed him. It was some girl and him. I asked 'who is this' and he said louise. LIKE I WANT TO HELP HIM PRINT OUT A PIC OF HIS GF. does he think i am stupid?
              i am guessing YES. this girl lives in NV and he is stayinging in Utah during the week and comes home to WY on weekends. I can't say that this doesn't hurt cause it really does, after 26 years of being married i would think it would hurt anyone. But hey....does he think i am stupid?
                                                           

he takes his cell and goes out side and talks for hours at a time during his time at home. NO I don't want to know what they are talking about but i do know that it  really breaks my heart to even think of him with someone else let alone help him copy a pic of her.....does he think i am stupid?

                                                             

i guess he does. i am sure that he can tell that it is hurting me and that i am trying to be strong. Due to my health it is pretty hard to go out and find someone else. this isn't his first gf. the last one he had told him to stay the F#(()*$ out of her life...oh she must have gotten to know the real him. he tries to tell me that he told her to get lost and i happend to know different, you know when you have those   people that just happend to be in a position to tell me everythng that is going on and i guess it was not a pretty site when she told him to get lost. But ohhh nooo..he told her to get lost.....does he think i am stupid?

  Just because i don't lay around crying does not mean i am not hurt. I have put a lot of time and energy into this 26 year marrage and i am not going out empty handed. He makes $23 an hour and he pays me what i call alimony of $500 a week. It's better than nothing since he hasn't even been court ordered yet....

                             HE IS STUPID!~!! !~!! I DON'T MIND HIS STUPIDITY!!! I AM DISABLED AND NOT ABLE TO GET SSI YET SO  HIM GIVING ME AN ALLOWANCE DOESN'T HURT MY FEELINGS A BIT. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT CAUSE OUR KIDS ARE 18 AND 21.

I LOVE HIM BUT I DON'T LIKE HIM....LIFE GOES ON

!!!!

LATER         PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!   

  Hello everyone!! It is just about that time. Have any of you got your xmas shopping done. Me??? Nope, for some reason the last few years my husband wants to wait until the week, day , hour...before x-mas day. I think it has something to do with the fact that HE wants them to know what HE is the one working and I am using HIS money to buy the gifts. I mention to HIM what the kids want and he just gets irritated with me.   I don't know why. You don't know this but for the first 18 years of our marriage I am the one who went out and bought presents. I am the one who had to deal with the public and their rudeness. NOT HIM. and all of a sudden he wants to be the one out there making an ass out of his self. I do know that when i was doing alot of drugs and i did kind of DISAPPOINT  him by pawning his guns for my drugs and   he found out by getting into his gun cabnet and they weren't there. I had forgotten about them. But thank God the guy still had the guns. and he got them back. Anyway what i am trying to say is that he doesn't trust me, even though he says that he does, he doesn't. It is things like this that let me know that he doesn't trust. You have to have trust in a relationship to have a relationship. RIGHT?? No TRUST No RELATIONSHIP****He has done alot worse things to me in this relationship and ....well i guess i don't really trust him either. We are here alone in this house cause the kids moved out and this is going to be a 'slow hell'. When he was abusing me real bad and kept putting me in the hospital and in those days you didn't have to press charges and i hardly ever did.He totally expects me to forget about it. Just GET OVER IT is what he tells me. I don't think it is that easy.I think that they don't understand the "whole picture". It isn't as easy as just letting it go. At least not for me. I think if they looked at the whole picture than they would understand that "all" that physical abuse is also mental abuse and that is the biggest part of it all. BRUISES GO AWAY. But the pain in my head (and the chronic pain that he helped give me) does not just go away. Yes, i can try to FORGIVE him and i think as of right now i do, but i will never FORGET. Everytime he does something that reminds me of those abusive day i remember. And that really messes with my head. I went through this all of my life-the physical abuse- and then the man that i truly trusted and i had told him everything there was to know about me- he starts doing the samething that i am trying to get away from. Then he throws things in my face...like NO WONDER YOUR DAD/EXHUSBAND BEAT YOU LOOK AT YOU OR I WOULD HAVE TO IF I   HAD TO PUT UP WITH YOU...It's just that easy for him. Oh, of course, he is always sorry afterwords. But it still is stuck in my head. Am i alone with this? Should i forget it? (NOt that i could if i wanted to) but will it ever end. I know that everyone would tell me to GET OUT and it sounds so easy and when i think about it in my head it all works out like i thought it would after i thought it out IN MY HEAD. It is just to much and nobody should have to deal with this. I WISH EVERYONE WOULD PUT THERE SELVES INTO AN ABUSED SHOES AND SEE WHAT THEY COME UP WITH. Do you think that they would blame thereselves, of course they would. That's just the way it is.

  Sorry i am feeling a little blue today. I don't even know if this makes any sense and i am not going to preview it. So if you understand it then you are probably doing better than me.... You know that when i started this blog it wasn't going to be anywhere close to what it ended up. WOW how weird...

Hope you are all having fun xmas shopping for the ones you love...AND MAY EVERYONE KEEP WHAT YOU GET THEM..LIKE WHAT YOU GET THEM...AND DON'T TAKE IT BACK..

love ya'all

ANGEL

   Well i don't know what i am going to do now. My son moved out last month and my daughter moved out this past weekend. That means that i got this great big 3 bedroom   house to myself. Well other than on the weekends when John is home. I was talking to him about it over the weekend and he was saying that he could move his dresser into one of the other bdrms, so all i could think of was that he was trying to make this "his" bedroom and i could have mine for me. I don't know why i am so surprised, i think sometimes i am in outerspace, i should have expected it. Well it just so happends   that   i   already had plans for that room. I AM going to make that my computer room. So i told him.OMG you would have thought it was the end of the world or something. I just explained to him that i want the computer room in the front   part of the house. If he wants to make himself his own room he can take the back room. After all he is only here on the weekends and i am here all the time 24/7 as a matter of fact. So he says well maybe we can just keep the small bed in that room and i will take the room with the computer,He's got to be kidding RIGHT???  He   can't   be serious. I started to laugh at him cause come on....He thinks i am going to put My computer in His bedroom so when he is not here he would do something stupid like put a lock on the door. And when he is here and i want to get on the computer (that only happends when he decides to get off of it and take a nap) he will (I can really see this happening too.). ask me to get off the computer cause he is trying to sleep and i am bothering him..HE HAS GOT TO BE JOKINGhere let's all give him a clap cause he really is funny.  Okay enough 'John time'  let's get serious. There is   absolutely no way that i am going to do this. So while he is gone this week i am going to change the rooms and put them the way i want them. When he comes home on the weekends he doesn't have the energy to move them how he wants them and if he does than i will just move them back. This could become a hell of a chore. But i am so stubborn that i will do it. And he can  KISS MY ASS!!!

I guess we will have to see what happend here. But i can tell you thisi will win this one. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.  He won't have anything to stand on if he   don't watch out. OH ya Like i'm toughand i am a tough little bitch when i want something. I don't know why i am acting like this because i really ain't all that or nothin' but he has pushed me all our life together and for some reason i feel   like   without   my kids here i am not going to let him take over my life like he has in the past. I need to stand up for myself. It's about time don't ya think.

Okay well i gotta few things i need to do today cause with chronic pain you got ta do it while you still can. I need to move things a little each day, so i am going to get started.

Am i right???Shouldn't it be the way i want to set it up??

angel

FINALLY THIS GODFORSAKIN WEEKEND IS OVER. i LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I WANT HIM TO BE HERE BUT WHEN HE COMES IT'S JUST AWFUL. HE BITCHES AND MOANS ABOUT LITTLE THINGS THAT DON'T MEAN A DAMN THING. I GOT SO TIRE OF IT I FINALLY TOLD HIM "IF U DON'T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY.....". I MUST ASK YOU ALL HOW CAN SOMETHING SO RIGHT BE SO WRONG. WE TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE A MARRIED COUPLE BUT WHEN WE GET TOGETHER OMG IT IS SO UNBEARABLE SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE WITH HIM LIKE WE USED TO, SMILE, LAUGH....THESE THINGS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. SHERYL CROWE SAYS IT THE BEST 'the first cut is the deepest'. HE WAS HERE FOR 5 DAYS I USUALLY ONLY HAVE TO TAKE IT FRI. THRU SUN. BUT OMG WED. THRU MON. MISERY LOVES COMPANY I GUESS.
Our Thanxgivin' was really not bad. I was having such a hard time because of my brother not being here as he passed away in March at 45. I cooked the whole dinner,my daughter helped with the turkey. but anyway i was in so much pain from standing on my feet and he wouldn't lift a finger. What's up with that????I sat down to dinner and after we finally decided who was going to say prayer, i took one bit and felt so sick from the pain in my back I just started to cry and i couldn't stop and this made him cry..I AM TOTALLY SHOCKED...He says he doesn't want to see me like that but he doesn't do anything to help. I just don't get it. GOD BLESS THOSE OF YOU WHO WENT THROUGHT THIS HOLIDAY WITHOUT ABUSE!!!!!!!!!
ANYWAY I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD THANKSGIVING...

angel